There is a particular kind of dread that builds as a holiday or special date approaches after you have lost someone. The birthday that will go uncelebrated. The holiday seat that will sit empty. The anniversary that now carries a second, heavier meaning. These dates can feel like landmarks of pain on a calendar that the rest of the world treats as ordinary — or worse, as occasions for joy.
The anticipation is often harder than the day itself. In the weeks leading up to a significant date, you may find anxiety building, sleep becoming more difficult, and emotions surging without warning. This is not a setback in your grieving process. It is your heart recognizing that something important is approaching, something that will remind you viscerally of what you have lost. Acknowledging the dread rather than trying to push past it can actually soften its grip.
There is no rulebook for how to handle these days. Some people find comfort in maintaining traditions — setting a place at the table, cooking their loved one's favorite meal, visiting a place that was meaningful to them. Others need to create entirely new traditions because the old ones are too painful. Some choose to spend the day surrounded by family and friends, while others need solitude. All of these choices are valid. The only wrong approach is forcing yourself to do something that causes you more suffering because you feel you "should."
Give yourself full permission to change your mind. You might plan to attend a family gathering and then wake up that morning unable to face it. Or you might plan to spend the day alone and then find yourself craving connection. Grief does not follow plans, and the people who truly love you will understand if your needs shift at the last moment. If they do not understand, that is a reflection of their limitations, not yours.
It can help to create a small ritual that honors your loved one on these difficult days. Light a candle. Write them a letter. Look through photos and let yourself smile at the memories alongside the tears. Play their favorite song. Speak their name out loud. These acts are not about holding on to pain — they are about affirming that the love you shared is still real and still matters, even though they are no longer here to receive it.
As the years pass, these dates may soften slightly, or they may not. Some people find that the fifth holiday without their loved one is harder than the first, and that is okay too. Grief does not move in a straight line, and a painful holiday does not mean you are failing at healing. It means you loved someone deeply, and that love does not dissolve just because the calendar turns. Be patient with yourself. You are carrying something heavy, and you are allowed to set it down and rest whenever you need to.