Most families do not know how to talk about death. We spend our lives in avoidance of the subject — changing the conversation when it comes up, using euphemisms, treating the topic as something too terrible to approach directly. And then cancer arrives and we are suddenly asked to have conversations that we have no practice with.
The avoidance is understandable. Talking about death feels like giving up. It feels like inviting the thing we are most afraid of. It feels disloyal, as though naming the worst possibility makes it more likely. But the opposite is usually true: not talking about it does not make it go away. It just means that when it can no longer be avoided, everyone is less prepared, and the most important things are left unsaid.
If your loved one brings up death, follow them there. This may be the most important thing I can tell you. When someone who is seriously ill opens a door — "What if this doesn't work?" "I'm scared of dying." "What will happen to you after I'm gone?" — follow them through it. Do not close the door by reassuring too quickly. "You're going to be fine" shuts down a conversation your loved one may desperately need to have. "Tell me more about what you're feeling" keeps it open.
Some conversations about death are practical. End-of-life wishes. Advance directives. Who should be called. What kind of funeral, if there is a preference. These conversations are painful, but having them ahead of time is an act of love — it ensures that your loved one's wishes are honored and removes the burden of guessing from the people who are grieving.
Some conversations about death are emotional and relational. I love you. I am glad you have been in my life. I am not ready to let you go, but I will be okay. These are the conversations that people most regret not having. If you have them now, while there is time, you will carry them differently than you would carry the silence.
You do not have to be brave about this. You can cry while you have these conversations. You can say "this is so hard to talk about" and still keep talking. The difficulty of the conversation does not diminish its value. Sometimes the hardest conversations are the most loving ones.