Teenagers occupy a strange in-between space at the best of times. Old enough to understand the weight of a parent's cancer diagnosis — often more than younger children — but not yet equipped with the emotional tools to process it. The result can look like detachment, anger, rebellion, or excessive caretaking, and all of these are responses to the same underlying experience: fear, helplessness, and grief.
The teenager who suddenly becomes the "perfect child" who helps constantly and never complains may be suppressing enormous anxiety. The one who retreats to their room and seems not to care may be protecting themselves from feelings that are too large to face. The one who lashes out or starts struggling at school may be externalizing the chaos they feel inside. None of these are bad kids. They are kids dealing with something genuinely terrifying.
Tell them the truth, appropriately. Teenagers generally need more information than parents realize. They will fill in the gaps with their own imagination, which is often worse than reality. Age-appropriate honesty — including honest uncertainty when things are uncertain — usually helps more than protection through omission. "We don't know yet" is a harder but more respectful answer than a false reassurance.
Let them be teenagers, too. The risk when a parent is ill is that the household becomes entirely organized around the illness, and the teenager's ordinary needs — school, friends, activities, normal teenage chaos — feel illegitimate in the context of a family crisis. Where possible, preserve some ordinary structure. Their school performance still matters. Their friendships still matter. Their growing up still matters.
Create space for them to talk — and accept it when they choose not to. Some teenagers will want to talk about what is happening. Others will not, at least not directly. A journal, an aunt or uncle they trust, a school counselor, a therapist — sometimes the conversation happens sideways, with someone who is not in the eye of the storm. That is okay. What matters is that they have somewhere to put it.
Do not make them your emotional support. A teenager who is being leaned on by a frightened parent to provide emotional support is in an impossible position. Your grief is real and they may witness some of it. But they should not be your primary confidant. Keep the adult support systems adult.