The calendar becomes different after loss. Dates that used to be ordinary or joyful accumulate new weight. Their birthday. The anniversary of the diagnosis. The day they died. The first holiday without them. The date of your wedding anniversary, or the anniversary of some ordinary day that was nevertheless significant in ways only you would know.
These dates can arrive with a force that surprises you, even years later. You might feel the approach of an anniversary before you consciously register it — a heaviness, an agitation, a sense of being pulled under that only resolves when you realize what the date is. Grief is a body memory, and the body tracks time in ways the conscious mind does not always anticipate.
Plan for the hard dates rather than hoping they will pass without incident. Think in advance about what you need on those days. Some people find it helps to mark the date deliberately — visiting the grave, looking at photos, cooking the person's favorite meal, lighting a candle, telling their stories. The intentional act of remembrance gives the grief somewhere to go, rather than having it arrive unexpectedly in the middle of an ordinary Tuesday.
Some people prefer to keep hard dates very quiet and private. Others want to be with people who also loved the person who died. Some want distraction; others want stillness. Neither approach is correct — what matters is knowing in advance what you need and arranging for it.
Tell the people close to you about the significant dates, if you are comfortable doing so. Partners, close friends, adult children — people who care about you but who might not know that March 7th is the day, or that your person's birthday is next week, cannot support you through something they do not know is coming. You do not have to make it into a big announcement. A quiet "next week is hard for me" is enough.
And remember that the anticipation of hard dates is often worse than the day itself. Your dread in the weeks before an anniversary can exceed the actual weight of the day when it arrives. This is not always true — sometimes the day is as hard as you feared. But sometimes you get through it, and that is something.